Here’s what you need to know about They Came From Beyond Space: it’s a 1967 British sci-fi movie in which the lead American actor gets punched in the face 16 minutes in. According to the rules of British cinema, you might be the hero, but that doesn’t necessarily preclude from being punched in the face.

Another interesting rule of British cinema: holders of British citizenship cannot be monsters. Just ask Peter Cushing.

Speaking of impossibly cool gentlemen, this week we celebrate the birth of a much fêted and awesome individual: my former landlord. Legends say the doctor that birthed him retired soon after, because hospital staff started to notice that babies he delivered afterwards were being slapped but not to make sure they were breathing properly. His heart just wasn’t into baby delivery anymore. The good doctor can now be found somewhere in rural Brazil, raising sheep and counting down the days to the 2014 World Cup.

O., although your years exceed mine, I’d like to think that I’ve picked up a bit of wisdom in my few short years. Here’s what you now need to know:

1)      They lied: birthday wishes don’t come true. I’m still waiting for my TARDIS

2)      PMS is the monthly realization that your basket of eggs is a non-renewable and unsustainable resource

3)      I watched this documentary (fine, reality show) on makeovers in Dubai and a 25 year old was getting cheek implants and Botox. It made me self-conscious of my absurdly thin wrists. I’ve decided to get wrist implants. After all, the doctor did say that people who undergo cosmetic surgery at this age are less likely to need it in their 50s, so I’m assuming this means wrist implants will help delay the development of arthritis. If you’ve ever considered corrective/aesthetic surgery, this is your year

4)      Zara TRF’s Fall/Winter 2012 collection features a pair of magenta loafers with mustaches on them. I took a picture to remind myself that some jokes die a terrible death (see below)

5)      I don’t know if we mentioned this, but you might’ve noticed that the lower hinge on the closet door in the master bedroom was a bit loose when we moved out. I got mad at S. once because she was making fun of me for being a ginger child. So me and another friend locked her in the closet, but she kicked her way out, “kung-fu” style, breaking the door hinge (but we fixed it!). We’re really really sorry about this, because you would always mention how we seemed like such nice girls and we (now) realize this isn’t the type of behavior nice girls engage in

6)      There was also this incident involving the glass countertop in the kitchen, but we told you about that one, right?

7)      Grudges are for ugly people (and this fellow)

Happy birthday,

A.